Diary of a wannabe king
by Jacinta Kenobi
Summary: Aragorn is completely ready to be king, but it just keeps not happening! To make matters worse, he's having beard problems, and is dealing with a bossy wizard, stuck-up elf, obnoxious man, dirty dwarf, and whiny hobbits. How's a wannabe king to survive?
1. Default Chapter

Well, once more I am going to try my hand at humor. Sad, I know, but… Anyhoo, I don't own the idea for this. I've read these diaries all over, and had so many ideas I couldn't contain them. No offense meant! I mean, imitation is the best form of flattery, or something like that!

Just to let you know, there are about two things that don't line up with the movies, as in the repercussions would have shown on camera, but please forgive me, they were to funny to pass up.

Enjoy!...I hope?

IIIII

**Day 1**

Gandalf has asked me to find a hobbit named Frodo since he cannot meet him. Could not find a way to weasel out of it, so am on the way to Bree. Owed Gandalf a favor anyway, and weaseling un-kingly. Must get in practice.

Long journey ahead, but on a lighter note, long journeys in wild always improve on rugged, manly look, what with beard and hair. Go me!

Not king yet.

**Day 19**

Arrived at Prancing Pony. Stupid innkeeper tried to keep me out. Demonstrated kingly swordplay for him. Now have nice large room and free food with it. Waiting for Frodo. Beard is trying to go flat on me.

Can't be king without manly beard, so am for once glad to say not king yet.

**Day 25**

Hobbit arrived. Frodo is wimp and idiot it seems. Has no idea what he carries. So much more manly than him. He doesn't even have a beard or chest hair! Blue eyes cannot possibly make up for that and lack of height. Cannot see what girls making eyes at him see.

Three hobbits came with him. Sam, the fat one, and Pippin, the youngest seem all right, despite Sam's being overprotective and turning into a mother hen whenever I get within 10 steps of Frodo. Merry, however, is not going to fair well when I am king. He said, first thing mind you, "Have you been napping at your table?" and pointed to my beard, which, unfortunately, is still flat. Argh.

Stupid beard.

Lucky for Merry, still not king.

**Day 26**

Moved hobbits to my room last night, as Gandalf threatened to turn me into an elf if anything happened to them. Heaven forbid! Elves don't have beards and thy take bathes every hour it seems. Could never have won Arwen's heart if I looked like a girl!

Ringwraiths attacked hobbit's room. Was very proud of my foresight. Screeching is horrible for manly sleep, but am incredibly manly in dark talking about scary things nonchalantly.

Hobbits were terrified. Bed is wet and smells bad…won't speculate. Journeying to Rivendell. Hobbits are whiny, but I'll toughen them up yet.

Beard is starting to cooperate. Not so flat.

Maybe Elrond will tell me I am king when we get to Imladris.

IIIII

Stupid? Should I give up and leave this to the original people?


	2. Just a shortie as a thank you!

THANK U!

Pip does rock doesn't he?

YOU MADE EVERYONE LAUGH! **worried look**

THANK U! I love being called original! **Kisses**

Since you guys were so great, I am giving you one more entry in our wannabe king's diary. Thank you all and I will continue writing this I guess!

Oh, and about the crossover story? SOON I PROMISE!

IIIII

**Day 33**

Hobbit's insistence that we stop every two hours to eat is getting annoying. Don't look manly when annoyed, but managed to whack Pippin in the head with an apple for ruining my look. Sam says I smell foul, when he thought I wasn't listening. Stupid hobbit wouldn't know manly smell if it bit him.

Beard is manly again. Woo-hoo!

Still not king. Must learn patience.

IIIII

Short, I know, but this was just a treat. Thank you again guys!


	3. Hobbitwraiths?

Sorry this is the only thing I am updating, but it's prewritten, and I am working over 60 hours this week. Will crack down soon I promise! IIIIII Day 39 

Reached Weathertop. Gave hobbits swords. Now think that mistake. Sincerely hope none of them stab me when not looking especially Merry, who seems to think sword toy. Got a much-needed smoke right before all heck broke loose.

Ringwraiths attacked, as hobbits gave away position cooking. Will kill them, but later. Manly fight ensued. Kicked Ringwraith's butts. Arwen will be impressed.

Frodo was stabbed, and is whimpering. Is everything hobbits do annoying! Must get him to Rivendell so Elrond can deal with him.

Beard status: Man-ly, manly, manly!

Forget patience! I want to be king! Argh.

Day 41 

Frodo turning into wraith. Bad mental picture. Hobbits all worried for him, which would be sweet if it weren't so annoying! Keep asking me what I am going to do, as if I deal with this every day. Tried to find herbs to help Frodo, remembering Gandalf's warning, and Arwen caught me off-guard. Sooo unmanly!

Arwen taking Frodo. Tried to kiss her goodbye, but she said beard would redden her fair skin. Will get one later. Got rid of one hobbit…what to do with the rest?

Beard manly as ever. Why didn't Arwen notice? Hmmm…

Still not king.

Day 43 

Traveling to Rivendell. Hobbits complaining and worrying every step of the way. Pippin found time to ask me why I had a beard. Tried to explain, but Pip interrupted me, saying my beard made me look like a straggly bush. Informed him that when I become king, I was going to have him hung for insulting me. Pippin doesn't know who I am, so he laughed. Stupid hobbit.

Beard is NOT straggly!

Merry and Pip better run when I am king.

IIIII

Well? WELL? **WELL!**

LOL. Sorry. Wee bit on edge from 13 hour day on feet with 20 minute break dealing with fast food customers and stupid coworkers and a friend who just lost her father and…ugh…just review. 


	4. Arrival

Hello all. I just recently found this story again the comp had erased it so I am updating. Sorry I am not writing, but I lost a loved one this week and somehow writing has been beyond me. Hope you enjoy this however!

_**IIIII**_

**Day 47**

Arrive in Imladris. Hobbits ran off to find Frodo. Gandalf is apparently with him, however, so I will wait. Want to postpone upcoming lecture.

Arwen is not to be found. Very upsetting. Found her brothers, though. Elrohir and Elladan pushed me into a stream, saying I needed a bath.. Must add them to list of people to pay back when I am king.

Beard status: Wet, but even more manly! Must find Arwen.

Elrond did not receive any news about me. Still not king.

List of people I must have publicly flogged when I am crowned: Merry, Pip, Ro, Dan

**Day 48**

Found Arwen, but was told beard bothers her, since it goes up her nose when kissing. Asked me to get rid of it. Explained to her that kind must be manly. Reminded me that I was not king yet, and that she would marry Legolas if I didn't. Apparently he arrived a few days ago with a message for Elrond. Shaved. Mourning my loss. Must kill Legolas.

Beard status: sniff, sniff BAWL!

Still not king, as Arwen so rudely pointed out.

List: Merry, Pip, Ro, Dan, Legolas. This is getting longer day by day!

**Day 52**

Frodo has awoken, so Gandalf able to leave. Promptly tracked me down and gave me expected lecture. Thought about Arwen and being king during it, though, so not so bad. Hobbits creating mayhem. Not much to do. Made out with Arwen, as it was the least she could do after the whole beard thing. Was very nice.

Beard status: Stubble only slightly rugged looking, not manly.

Not king…grumble, grumble

List same as before. Though about adding Gandalf, but after the threat about turning me into an elf, am afraid to.


	5. The Fellowship

-sigh- I love pre-written stories. Don't you? I do. It's so simple. Here's another post!

** 00000**

**Day 63**

Elrond called some sort of meeting. It's supposed to be "secret," but everyone in Rivendell knows about it. Go figure. I had to leave Arwen for to go to the council, and then it was all about the ring. I left Arwen to decide the fate of a piece of jewelry!

Got into fight with a man named Boromir from Gondor. Thinks he's more manly than me, I can tell. I showed him though. I volunteered to go with Frodo. Of course, then he had to go too. Oh well. At least I won't be suffering alone.

Arwen cried when she found out. Got lots of kisses, despite beginnings of beard. Should go on dangerous-life-threatening-save-all-middle-earth journeys more often!

Beard is starting to return to former glory. More manly than Boromir's by far.

Not king today either.

List: added Boromir.

**Day 67**

Left Rivendell. Boromir more annoying then hobbits, if that possible. Constantly making comments about Gondor not needing a king. Will show him.

Was able to cross Legolas off list today when he left shampoo out. Poured it out into nearby stream. Almost gagged. Strawberry-scented. SO like an elf! Legolas is threatening to kill me.

Beard is looking manly again! Yay!

Someday I will be king, I swear.

List: Merry, Pip, Ro, Dan, Boromir.

**Day 75**

Boromir trying to teach hobbits swordplay. Accidentally hit Pippin in hand while practicing and was attacked by the two youngest hobbits. Tried to help him against better judgment. Ended up on back for my trouble.

Saruman's bird spies found us, but Legolas spied them. Were able to hide, but Gnadalf making us climb mountain anyway. Paranoid, old, crotchety, know-it-all…

Beard still manly.

If was king, would say so. Believe me.

00000

I love this story. :D Hey, anyone who read Legolas-angst/hurt/comfort stuff…hehehe…expect a new one from me this weekend.


	6. Of mountains and mines

Once again, at Fathom's request, I am writing a post on a story previously abandoned. Actually, this is still pre-written, I just went in search of the hard copy, and having found it, re-typed it up. Here's part of it, there's only one more post after this that is pre-written.

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**Day 83**

Climbing mountain. Legolas being really annoying showing off walking on snow while we slog through. Carrying Frodo and Sam. Sam keeps kicking me, and when asked about it, played innocent, but kicked harder. Sure he is doing on purpose.

Frodo is mumbling to himself. Quite distracting and frustrating. Keeping tripping whenever he cries out, and I turn to look. Stupid hobbit.

Adding Sam and Legolas to list, but having mercy for now on the "ring-bearer."

Beard status: ICICLES! AGH!

Not king…well, maybe ice king.

**Day 85**

Tried to get rid of icicles. In melting them, however, lit beard on fire. Never knew wet hair could burn so quickly. Quite a problem putting out, finally had to fall flat on face in snow to stop my face from going up in flames too. Very undignified.

Entire fellowship was laughing the whole time, and says now they have seen nothing funnier in their lives than me dancing around with face flaming. Still snickering now. Adding entire fellowship to list to simplify things.

Beard is badly singed. May have to shave, as fried hair distinctly un-manly. Hope not! Couldn't handle the separation anxiety twice in same decade.

Still not king, but getting crowned right after lighting beard on fire not a memory I want, so am ok with it.

**Day 89**

Gandalf and Saruman had long-distance battle and caused avalanche. Showoffs. Am completely and totally freezing. Heading down mountain, though, so that is good. Going into mines not so good. Damp underground horrible for beard. Darn that Frodo!

Beard is soaking wet. Not good. Singed wet hair smells, as all of fellowship has been eager to point out.

Not king yet. Drat it all.

**Day 97**

Traveling through mines against will. Frodo almost eaten at entrance, and beast trying to catch itself a quick meal caused cave to collapse behind us. Must go through mines now, and skeletons make for very uncomfortable sleeping accommodations. Imagine going to sleep staring at a dwarf skeleton with an arrow sticking out of its neck. Not something I wish to remember when I am king.

Orcs run rampant through these mines, so have to be particularly careful. Hobbits nervous and jumpy, Boromir still annoying, Gimli moping, Gandalf bossy, and Legolas whining about being underground. Hope we can get out soon.

Beard is still singed.

KING! sigh Not really.

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Well, any good? Anyone still reading?


	7. Wizard staff mishaps

Well, sorry it took me so long, but here is the last pre-written bit. Enjoy.

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**Day 101**

Absolute worst possible thing has happened. Was traveling behind Gandalf, and accidentally ran into him, striking his staff, when he stopped too quickly. Gandalf muttered some weird curse at me under his breath, and somehow, Frodo and I have SWITCHED HEADS!

Nightmare has ensued. Sam is confused, and very nervous and more overprotective than usual, if possible. Frodo is having panic attack, constantly whining, which sounds very weird with my voice. Am suffering severe withdrawals without my beard, and not sure what to do. Gandalf says it serves me right and will change us back in a week. A WEEK!

How will my beard last that long on a hobbit!

Gandalf is on top of list now. Stupid wizard…

Do NOT want to be king with Frodo's head.

**Day 103**

Was wrong. Not worst thing that could happen. Pippin tried to help by taking staff while Gandalf asleep and hitting me. Says nothing happened at first, but Gandalf was murmuring in his sleep (like usual), and somehow, Frodo got his head back, but now Legolas and I have switched heads!

Legolas is threatening to kill everyone within speaking distances, moaning about my beard. Personally, have no idea what to do with long blond hair. How Legolas keeps taken care of, I don't know. Easily tangled, easily dirtied. Legolas said what he would do to certain parts of my anatomy, family, and other things if I hurt his hair. Returned every threat if beard hurt.

Gandalf says his decision still stands, so now Pippin spends most of time hiding behind Merry to avoid Legolas and my death-glares and threats.

Gandalf and Pip fighting for top of list.

I want my beard back!

Want to be king with Legolas' head even less!

**Day 108**

Legolas has done it now. Disappeared for a few hours, came back with my hair clean and wet and my face shaved! How dare he! Said he could not live with my unkempt hair and beard. Said if I wanted to look like a warg, that was my problem, but he wouldn't put up with it anymore. Had to be held back by Boromir to keep from killing Legolas.

Gandalf is supposed to change our heads back tomorrow. Why couldn't Legolas have waited one more day!

Waaah! My poor beard!

Can't wait to get Legolas till I am king, must do something now while I still have his hair…hmmm…

**Day 109**

Have been returned to normal, but not before getting my revenge on that blasted elf. Late last night while everyone was asleep, I used some things I had stored away in my pack on Legolas' hair. Is now a satisfying maroon color. Legolas is threatening to kill me, my father, my sister, my brothers, and anyone else who has ever so much as breathed a word of friendship in my direction. Assured him that the hair would return to normal color in about…two weeks.

Legolas chased me for about three HOURS. Almost caught me several times, with blasted 'elf superiority' and all, but terror invokes some serious speed! Gandalf finally got us to stop by promising to change us back. Legolas now wringing his hair and whining. So unmanly!

Pip and Merry spent entire day snickering at Legolas, that is, until elf threatened to feed them to the spiders back home. Didn't phase Gimli, who is still laughing at the 'colorful elf,' as Legolas has been dubbed recently. Legolas has been plotting the 'filthy dwarf's' death ever since. Frodo and Sam keep to themselves, as Frodo is still worried he'll lose his head if he comes anywhere near me. Not sure where Merry and Pip are. Gandalf is grumbling about his 'lot in life' or some such nonsense, and Boromir is polishing his shield. Vile, arrogant man.

SEPERATION ANXIETY!

Not king, as always.

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Well, thar she blows! Did ya like?


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